I see you have decided to leave your house with your children, you foolish, foolish person.
Do you think you can avoid comments, judgmental stares, or eye rolls from friends, family members, and complete strangers as you exist in the world with young humans? Take the test and see!
First up: getting somewhere.
I see you have a baby in tow. Do you…
Take a stroller?
Oh, I’m sorry, your baby will always feel neglected and pushed away, because you are literally pushing them away. Your child will never know what it is to feel loved.
Wear the baby?
Ugh, guess you’re one of those parents, then? Can’t cut that umbilical cord? Do you need your baby close to you? They’ll never grow up to be individuals capable of making decisions now.
Next, an activity.
Phew! You made it to the park! Now while you’re here do you…
Sit down and watch your kids play?
You’re a neglectful parent who probably allows their kids to *gasp* go up the down part of the slide. Your kids will become criminals who can’t operate successfully in society.
Go around the park playing with them?
You’re a hovering, overprotective helicopter parent who makes your child’s life too easy and are too involved with their lives for them to operate successfully in society someday.
Deciding where to eat
Uh oh, you’re out and need to eat somewhere other than your own home. It’s time to make some decisions on where to eat. Do you…
Opt for a kid-friendly fast food place?
Seriously?!? You’re going to feed them that junk? It’s 2020! You’ve gotta be kidding, right? That stuff is so gross for them! It’s. Not. Even. Organic.
Go eat at a real (not-too-fancy, but sit-down) restaurant?
Restaurants are for adults, not for children. It doesn’t matter that in order for children to learn how to eat at restaurants they have to actually practice eating at restaurants, which means going to restaurants. It doesn’t matter if the restaurant has a kids’ menu. There are other adults there without children, and your children’s presence there will ruin their day.
Actually eating out
You sit down at your food establishment of choice, are seated, and the kids are getting a little antsy in their pantsies after they’ve doodled with crayons on the paper placemat. Nothing too raucous, but they’re starting to get bored and the food hasn’t arrived yet. Do you…
Hand them your phone?
You’re not even going to engage with your kids?!? Ugh, what are you teaching them about human interaction? Have you not read the millions of articles about limiting screen time? What is wrong with you??
Not hand them your phone?
Can’t you keep your kids quieter?!? Why can’t they behave like adults? Isn’t there some sort of screen you can hand them?
Riding on the train
You need to get across the city? It’s time to take the train! Do you…
Sit next to them and read them a book of poetry at a reasonable, conversation-level volume*?
Eye roll. Ugh. Can’t you be quiet? Do I have to hear you speak, to your child, no less? What is this, some sort of public space where people are allowed to engage and talk to each other?
Hand them your phone/electronic device?
Seriously? Seriously?! Can’t you connect with your kids? We just went over this. Have them look out the window! Play games with them! It doesn’t matter that if you were on the train alone, you would be looking at your phone. That’s entirely beside the point for some reason.
*This is not hyperbolic. This literally happened to me.
Feeding your kid a snack
It’s a long time between your meal and the next one, and your kids are hungry and tired from all the activities they’ve been doing. Plus, they’re usually fed a snack at school around this time. Do you…
Hand them a snack?
You know, the French don’t snack at all. Why can’t you be more like the French, despite neither being French nor living in France? Shouldn’t they be eating something healthier? Why are you feeding them junk?
Not hand them a snack?
Can’t you see they’re hungry? Kids need to eat more regularly! They’re growing! Now they’re angry and hungry and getting whiny. Why didn’t you plan ahead more? You should have known they would get hungry!
You need to take a breath of oxygen in order to stay alive as it is a basic function of human existence. Do you…
That is now one breath of oxygen on this planet your children cannot inhale, you selfish cretin.
You have passed out and possibly died. However, you will still be responsible for all snack and beverage requests from your children, regardless of the status of your consciousness.
So, how did you do? Did you avoid getting judged? You didn’t?!? Wow, it’s almost like the game is rigged against parents or something.