I blinked again, and apparently another month went by. We made it through the holidays and saw each set of my husband’s grandparents. While it was an inordinate amount of driving the two pictures of the “4 generations” at each location pretty much made driving more in 2 days than we normally drive in a year worth it, despite Santa not gifting me my one Christmas wish of giving my husband the ability to lactate in exchange. (Was it really that much to wish for? Really?)
With it being three months since Wee Connor’s excessively horrific entrance into this world I thought I would write down my thoughts since the last update on what my day-to-day life has been like since apparently the next breath I take I’ll be marching him to kindergarten.*
It’s perfectly acceptable to cry when your baby switches clothing sizes
For some reason when Wee Connor switched from the Newborn size to the 0-3 month clothes I didn’t really think twice about it. I think this is due to two factors. First, everyone I knew told me that the newborn size lasts approximately 45 seconds – if he ever even needs it at all – and so I didn’t mentally get super attached to the clothes. Second, because of the first factor of everyone telling me not to buy newborn clothes I only had about 6 newborn outfits, which meant doing insane amounts of really small laundry loads. I was ready for a bigger choice of clothes and less laundry when the 0-3 month clothes came along.
What I was not prepared for was the mental anguish putting away the 0-3 month clothes would cause me.
My husband came home to me with a big box putting away the 0-3 month clothes and talking to each outfit. “This one you pooped through 5 minutes after I put it on! Awww!” “This one was such a pain to put on but is so adorable!” “This sweater has a cat on it and is from your Mémé and you wore it to the vet’s office to impress upon the vet that we all love animals and that one time I came to the vet’s office in slippers accidentally was a fluke and that we are actually put together people, but it turns out that dressing your son in a sweater with a cat on it isn’t a way to give the impression of not being insane! Awww!”
And so on.
Now don’t get me wrong; Wee Connor’s wardrobe in the 3-6 month range is extensive. The outfits are adorable. It’s just that I had become a master of knowing the exact stock and outfit choices and now it’s almost a mystery again. I had grown a strange attachment to all those tiny little outfits and switching sizes is yet another reminder that my little one is growing up so fast.
Google searches at 3:30am have entered into the realm of the truly absurd
As it turns out spending your pregnancy reading about perfectly-behaved foodie French babies who sleep through the night at two months didn’t expel a perfectly-behaved baby who sleeps through the night at two months into this grand world of ors. Or, apparently, at three months. It turns out I have a blue-blooded American sorta-kinda-sucks-at-sleeping baby. On the spectrum of people I know Wee Connor seems to fall right around the middle of the pack in terms of “making Mom a sleep-deprived monster.” He is waking up about 1-2 times a night for feedings, and we can’t seem to figure out if he is actually hungry or if he just wants some extra soothing after a few sleep cycles. In our sleep-deprived states we are leaning towards the latter.
The one hilarity about these night feedings is they have rendered my Google search history truly ridiculous due to the availability of my phone and iPad at my fingers and a lack of inhibition from my brain. Sometimes I think that Internet access should really be sequestered for moms after 1am.
Here is a sample of my recent Google search history from one feeding around 3:30am:
- How many feedings should a three month old baby have in the night
- Sleep training three month olds
- Does sleep training ruin a person’s life
- Does sleep training ruin a baby’s life
- Wine as a health food
- Wine as a health food for moms
- Is there caffeinated wine
- Is there caffeinated cookie dough
- Does sleep beget sleep
- Naps and night sleeping
- Does crying it out harm a baby
- Can velociraptors come back
- Clever Girl YouTube Jurassic Park clip
- Signs of an overtired baby
- How to put an overtired baby to sleep
- When does the next Star Wars installment come out
You’re going to need a bigger phone
“I think you have approximately 65,000 pictures of me in this chair, Mom. It’s time. To. Stop.”
No, not a physically bigger phone, especially if you’re like me and have small hands and trouble holding onto the iPhone 6 as is. (No, seriously, I might as well have bought a stick of butter for a phone for as well as I can hold onto it.) But I mean a phone that can hold all the pictures you’re about to take in its memory. “Oh, he’s sleeping on my knees! But in a slightly different way than the picture I took of him sleeping on my knees two hours ago!” “Oh, look at this ridiculous pose he has! It’s different than that other pose that looked similar because his head angle is 34.7 degrees more to the right.” “He’s batting at the toys on his play mat again! AND THE DOG IS LYING DOWN NEXT TO HIM THIS TIME!” I was already a chronic picture-taker of my fur babies and so adding in pictures of a human puppy to the mix has almost maxed out the storage capacity of my phone.
WD40 is one of the greatest inventions in modern history
Do you know how much noise a creaking door makes when your baby is either asleep or falling asleep in his crib and you walk out of his room with a creaking door? SO MUCH NOISE.
I realize entirely it doesn’t actually make that much noise and that it’s mostly in my head. But for a mere $2 I can feel like I am solving a problem and that there is something concrete I can do to help my baby to sleep that doesn’t involve crying, reading sleepy cues, or my boobs. That, my friends, is what we in the biz call a win.
Babies are fascinating
When people ask me what I do all day I feel an extreme amount of confusion on what to say because it’s hard to explain to people without kids that your baby is probably one of the most fascinating things on the planet and what you’re actually doing for a vast majority of the day is staring at him. One day he can sort of bat at toys and the next day – literally the next day – he can grab a rattle and shake it happily. I don’t know how or why they are so fascinating, but they are. Getting to watch a human brain develop and grow is just so freaking cool.
Babies somehow know exactly how much something costs
You might think this is great news that babies are born with an appreciation of the finer things in life. Or maybe this means that yes, you can have nice things after all. Unfortunately for you, babies know exactly how much something costs and do the exact opposite thing you would want to happen. And no, you probably can’t have nice things.
1. Your baby has the choice of two activity chairs. One is a motorized special plush-seated swing that “moves like Mom!” and has all sorts of different types of swinging activities that you can plug your phone into to play music and is exorbitantly expensive. The other is a $24 wire frame chair that vibrates. Which of these two will your baby happily spend his time in?
A. The motorized chair you drooled over your entire pregnancy and almost climbed into yourself because it looks so comfortable
B. The damn wire-frame bouncy chair thing that cost $24
Answer: B. Obviously.
2. You wear nothing but washable cotton shirts 95% of the time. When will baby spit up intense amounts of liquid onto your clothing?
A. When you’re wearing the logical choice of clothing for handling babies that you wear 95% of your waking hours
B. That time when it suddenly got cold out and you wore a sweater that you had forgotten was exclusively dry-clean only
C. Those times when you need to run out on an errand really quickly and put on a semi-cute outfit because you needed to feel human again
Answer: B or C. The less washable and/or expensive an outfit is exactly inversely proportional to how desirable a spitup rag it looks to a baby.
Dressing the baby up in ridiculous outfits that he has no say in remains one of the most hilarious parts of having a baby
Oh, you thought that would get old? You thought I would still not laugh every time I put my baby in (and photograph, please see above) an outfit that will serve only to embarrass him when he brings his girlfriend/fiancée/wife home when he’s a grownup?
It never gets old.
These pictures here, for instance? This Ralphie-from-“A Christmas Story” furry animal suit? I found this at Carter’s when my mom came up to North Carolina after two days of false labor. We went shopping to take my mind off the fact that the baby was still inside and I had gone through two days of labor for nothing in return and I held this outfit up to my stomach and told Connor in utero that if he didn’t show up in the next day that he would be wearing this pink bunny suit at Christmas.
Guess who didn’t show up the next day.
After seeing these pictures it became painfully obvious that the pink fluffy bunny suit would be a tradition that clearly has to be repeated every year. You brought this one upon yourself, child!
Seriously though. This whole “having control of the clothes the baby wears” thing? I’m taking full advantage.
Insert evil mom laugh here.
*So you know that obnoxious “you don’t understand until you have kids” thing people with kids always said and you were all, “that’s totally obnoxious and I will never do that when I have kids”? Prepare yourself for one of those. Here we go.
Time, man. I thought it was going fast before, but this is something different. Chris at one point asked me why I was writing something on the calendar a month ahead of when it was taking place only to realize that he had basically no idea the month had changed because it had happened so quickly. On our last trip to D.C. before Connor was born my cousin told us at his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah that “the nights were long, but the years were short” and he couldn’t have been more right, apparently.
Still totally worth it.