The one thing I know God has is one hell of a curveball.

Last week I went in for another ultrasound and some bloodwork for the first trimester. This was my third ultrasound of the pregnancy, which is unusual for being 9 weeks pregnant, but my first one came early due to my loss in a prior pregnancy, then after they saw two they wanted to see me the next week due to one of the embryos being a bit smaller. They told me that one of the embryos might “vanish” (vanishing twins is a real thing), and so at the second ultrasound they would know if it’s twins or not. They found both heartbeats both times and the second smaller baby had grown and its heartbeat was well within normal range at the second ultra. The doc told me she was “90% sure…barring anything freak happening because you can never say 100%” that I was having twins. 

Then came the 9-week ultrasound. They looked at the smaller baby first…and no heartbeat.

They tried again. Same thing.

The doctor put a hand on my shoulder and I asked, “Did we just lose Baby A?” and with a nod it was all over.

The good news is that Baby B, the bigger baby all along, the one we joked had the Penthouse while Baby A had the garden studio looks perfect. No anencephaly (neural tube defect that made me lose the last one). It even was just wiggling around like crazy.

But even with a healthy, happy baby I’m heartbroken. While twins was not in the plan ever (how could it be?) I had gotten attached to the idea because, essentially, I had no other choice but to do so. Those babies were coming, I thought. I might as well get used to two of everything and be happy about it. And now another loss and another heartbreak.

I think it’s hard to explain to people why I’m so upset. The general attitude is, “it was early, you still have one healthy baby!” which of course is true, and of course I know in my head, but I have now lost 2 babies in 5 months that were otherwise healthy and were told were going to be fine.

God has a wicked curveball, and my batting average sucks.

Life goes on, though. And happiness awaits. I just know it has to be true.